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My Battle With Anxiety 

     For as long as I remember I’ve always carried around this sense of nervousness. It would show up in the form of nausea before going to school as a kid, or getting sick when away from home, or crying over simple decisions. I didn’t know what it was at the time but looking back it’s clear that anxiety has been something of a constant struggle throughout my whole life.  
It’s a hard thing, feeling like your body and mind are betraying you. I didn’t want to be anxious all the time, I didn’t want to be sick all the time. In my head I knew I was overthinking, I knew I didn’t have to worry about every possible outcome of a situation, but I couldn’t stop myself. People from church would share verses with me like Philippians 4:6 which says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” their intentions were pure but anxiety isn’t something you can just snap out of and I don’t think that’s what God intended to portray with these verses… (Often translations interchange “anxiety” with the words “fret or worry,” which are two things much less severe than suffering from an anxiety disorder.) 

     The people who shared these verses with me were trying to help but in doing so they were belittling and invalidating the way I felt. It made me feel that I was doing something wrong in my relationship with God, because I wasn’t able to just feel better. What I didn’t understand was that, as close and I became with God, it wasn’t going to be a cure all for my pain. Just like someone with cancer won’t just be cured by God because of their faith. YES he certainly could cure us, whether we’re suffering from mental illness or physical ones. I know I’ve spent lots of times wondering why He won’t just do that, but then I realize that I can’t play God and tell Him what He should be doing. 

     I also don’t want to diminish the role that God can have and has had in helping overcome anxiety. Prayer and mentoring have helped me immensely in my struggle with anxiety. God provided us with doctors and medicine however to help as well. 
     Around Freshman year my anxiety really peaked, it manifested itself in the form of having an upset stomach often. My anxiety was constantly making me feel sick and to avoid feeling sick I stopped eating, because it seemed like a good solution at the time (LOL).

     However, I don’t want to focus too much on eating disorders in this post because I wanted it to be more about anxiety. Basically, everything started spiraling down hill fast and a Illness I had been able to manage on my own for most of my life was soon out of control. My anxiety had taken over. 

     I couldn’t go out with friends because I would feel sick, I couldn’t go to school, I couldn’t do anything. Life was awful. I didn’t think it would ever get better. 

     I was soon forced into seeking help from doctors and therapists and even though I was SO against this I really don’t think I ever would have gotten better without that support. 

     It’s not weak to seek help, and it’s not weak to need to take medicine to feel better. This is something I want to emphasize a thousand times over; TAKING MEDICINE FOR MENTAL ILLNESS DOES NOT MAKE YOU WEAK. It is honestly so enraging to me when I see posts like that show pills captioning it, “this isn’t an antidepressant” and then a forest or something captioning it “this is an antidepressant” LIKE EXCUSE ME?? We don’t shame people with physical illnesses for using medical resources do we? 

     It’s absolutely ridiculous and just contributes to the fact that mental illness isn’t recognized as an actual thing by so many people. Even though by 2030 mental illness (specifically depression) in this study, is set to outrun cancer, stroke, war and accidents as the leading cause of death and disability. It’s so appalling to me that such a serious thing is barely recognized. 

     Anyway, back on track. My mental and physical health improved a thousand times once I started receiving treatment for anxiety, depression and anorexia. This included taking medicine, which I still take to this day. 

     I would say I’m out of the thick of it, I sometimes experience a bit of anxiety. I sometimes have panic attacks. However, from where I was to where I am now is SO much better. 

     I really wanted to share my story because there is so much stigma around Mental Illness and people who suffer from it. Barely anyone ever speaks out about their struggles and I think that needs to end. 

     I would love to hear your own stories with Mental Illness, whether it affected you or someone you love. Comment them or send me a message! 

Always remember, there is hope. ❤️


Xoxo, 

Ruby Marie

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I Can’t Write About Something I Don’t Love 

      Around Christmas time I attempted Blogmas, and before that I’ve attempted to blog consistently for a over a year now, but every time I just can’t seem to stick with it. It would honestly pain me to write posts about nails and candles (although I do love candles) and all this materialistic crap that I wasn’t even interested in myself. But I did it because it’s what I thought people would want to read, and I did it because it’s what all of the big, popular bloggers did. 

     They have aesthetic, they have catchy posts about fashion and makeup and stuff that I just wish I could get into, but when I tried to do this, I was just a sub par version of their content. I can’t write about something I don’t love, about things I’m not passionate about. That’s not why I started a blog. Truth be told, I actually started a blog several years ago anonymously at the advice of a counselor to get my jumbled, self hating, depressed thoughts out & that was when I fell in love with the blogging world. 

     But not the blogging world I tried to be a part of when I started itsrubymarie because itsrubymarie is NOT a fashion blog, not a lifestyle blog, in the sense of cute aesthetic posts about dinner parties and such as I’ve tried to make it. No…That’s not what I’m passionate about. 

     I’m passionate about photography, about expressing myself in an artistic way, about mental health advocacy, about being a voice for those things that people don’t want to hear about. I’m passionate about Jesus and about people…And that, that is what I want to write about. From now on, that is what itsrubymarie will be about. 

Disclaimer: I know many of my followers probably follow itsrubymarie because of what it has been in the past, but I ask you to take a chance at this new journey & open your eyes to what I have to say (…or write) as it is truly what is closest to my heart. Also, this is no hate towards fashion & lifestyle bloggers, that’s just not me but I think y’all are amazing & wish I could look that cute all the time! 😉 

Thank you for reading, expect new posts soon & of course tons of pictures still. 


Xoxox, 

Ruby Marie 

Shoot me an email at rubyymarie.contact@gmail.com 

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Off to Mexico

Days like today remind me of how blessed I am to be alive.

I went shopping with Victoria and Anne, where a lady who worked there told Victoria and I that we were too big for the sizes we were about to try on. (Even though they fit just fine.) but ya know what? It didn’t phase me for more than a a couple minutes.

Cause honestly screw our western beauty standards of size zero girls being ideal, I like my not size zero body more than I ever liked being stick thin. As Anne would describe it we’re “curvy and wonderful” lol

But moving on from that whole ordeal I ended up finding a pretty prom dress with time left over to go to Panera before Younglife. Which always makes it a good day.

Another thing that makes a good day, even a good Monday: Younglife! I was so happy to give the talk tonight on how there is a bigger purpose for the pain in life. (Which I might post more about on here later.)

After this we all went to McDonald’s and I just gotta say, I feel so blessed by all the Junior High girls I know. Like dang. I wish I had been that mature/nice/thoughtful etc… when I was their age.😂 They are seriously blessings to my life and bring me so much joy.

And finally, something that is also bringing me joy today is the fact that I leave for Mexico TOMORROW!! I cannot believe it’s already here and I am so looking forward to this little road trip with Tay. It is going to be a blast & I will be sure to keep you all updated❤️

Love,

Ruby Marie